If you think charisma is a natural gift, then ‘The Charisma Myth’ by Olivia Cabane Fox is a must-read book for you!
The central message of this book is that anyone can learn to be charismatic. You don’t need to be extroverted or introverted for that matter. Furthermore, the author breaks down the concept of charisma and shares the tools you need to develop this persuasion skill.
In this article, I’ll be sharing my hand-written notes on this excellent book. Hopefully, it’ll give you a good summary to help you apply these concepts in your life too!
You can save this page in your browser so that you can directly refer to the notes here.
Let’s dive in!
What is Charisma?
- Power and intentions are what we are aiming to asses when we first meet someone. We assess how much power they have and then whether they like us. With a charismatic figure, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they also like you a lot!
Charisma boils down to 3 things: Presence, Power, Warmth.
Being present means having a moment-to-moment awareness of what’s happening around you.
Your internal state of mind should be charismatic. That’s because charm is all about non-verbal communication and thus a part of the subconscious mind.
Individuals with strong internal skills are aware of what exactly is happening inside them and know how to handle it. They know when their subconscious mind has taken a hit and have the tools to get back into a confident state.
Obstacles to Charisma
1. Physical Discomfort
It affects your external state and body language. This may affect how charismatic you’re perceived to be.
Physical discomfort can also affect your internal state. For instance – Hunger has a direct impact on your attention level.
2. Mental Discomfort
Whatever affects our mind will also be reflected directly in our bodies. Anxiety, self-criticism, self-doubt and dissatisfaction are forms of internal negativity.
Dealing with ANXIETY
Our brains are hard-wired to not tolerate uncertainty.
The ability to be comfortable with uncertainty is a strong indicator of success and improves our charisma.
Use the Responsibility Transfer Technique
Sit down and relax by taking deep breaths.
Imagine lifting the weight of all your worries off your shoulders and placing them on God or any other higher power. Visualize it happening. You can then sit back and enjoy whatever good comes your way.
This technique also works wonders when used against dissatisfaction and comparison.
Transfer the dissatisfaction over to God. Remember, God made us as an original, not as a copy.
Fight or Flight Situations
- Under such situations, our mind thinks we are under attack and shuts down superfluous functions like intelligence and logic.
- At the same time, remember that our mind can’t distinguish between reality and imagination, so we can use it to our advantage. Just by imagining you aren’t under attack will keep the higher-order functions like intelligence and logic working!
- Being able to deal with internal critics and negativity boosts our charisma.
Whenever your brain spins negative scenarios, you may not be getting an accurate perception of reality. The danger-focussed brain might be following it’s negativity bias.
Handling Difficult Situations Using Charm
- Destigmatize Discomfort
- Neutralize Negativity
- Rewrite Reality
Rewriting Reality means considering favorable versions to reality rather than ignoring the difficulties.
Delving (or diving) into the sensations can help you access charismatic presence even during the most uncomfortable situations. It’s one of the tools used by charismatic masters.
“Listen to the silence within the silence.” This is might be difficult to digest. So just try it out. First, try to listen to the silence that’s around you. Then try to hear the silence within it. Instantly, you’ll notice you’re diving into the sensation of the quiet.
Another tool you can use to alter your state of mind is music.
One way to feel more gratitude is to imagine yourself at your own funeral. It can significantly boost your warmth factor.
Use your body language to create the mental state you desire.
For instance: Walking like a military general will make you look more confident, grab more space, feel more confident and command more respect. Naturally, that’s how you’d feel too!
Plan a warm routine to up your charisma game. You can’t expect to go from zero to hero in an instant. So make time to build it!
4 Types of Charisma
1. Focus Charisma
Focus charisma makes people feel heard, listened to and understood. Presence is the key to focus charisma. Think of someone like Elon Musk.
- When you want people to open up and share details.
- In negotiations or diffusing hostile situations.
You need to appear authoritative or during emergencies.
2. Visionary Charisma
Visionary charisma makes people ‘believe’. Conviction and confidence is the key to this charisma style. Think Steve Jobs.
- To inspire and motivate people.
- To create massive changes (from people).
You want to connect and make people feel good.
3. Kindness Charisma
Kindness Charisma makes people feel welcomed, cherished and accepted.
Warmth is the key to it. Think of someone like Dalai Lama.
- When you want to create an emotional bond with people and make them feel accepted.
- While delivering bad news.
- Dealing with difficult people.
4. Authoritative Charisma
Authoritative Charisma is based on power. This makes people obey your authority but doesn’t make you likable. You can see this charisma style amongst dictators.
When you want people to listen and obey, especially during emergencies and crises.
- You want to encourage creativity.
- When you need constructive feedback.
- When you want people to think critically.
- Sensitive social settings
Use These Types with Care
While using these 4 different styles, it’s important to proportionately balance other elements.
1. Showing too much warmth can come across as being subservient and eager to please.
2. Showing too much power can come across as arrogant, cold and standoffish.
Therefore, having a balance becomes crucial.
Presence is however an exception. Too much presence is very desirable.
Different situations need different charismatic styles. One of the abilities of highly charismatic people is to adapt to the social situation.
How to create great first impressions?
We like people who’re similar to us. First impressions are generated by the fastest and the most primitive part of the brain.
Choosing the right clothing is the key to giving a great first impression.
Also, a good handshake creates a great first impression.
Charismatic masters know how to:
1. Start a conversation
Here’s a simple way to break the ice: Give a compliment. Show interest in their story.
2. Make people feel special
Keep the other person in the spotlight for as long as you can. When the focus is on you, use the bounceback technique.
Here’s what the bounce back technique is:
Answer their question with a fact, a personal note and redirect the question back to them.
They: I’m just coming off from Paris. Enjoyed my stay there. How about you?
You: Yeah, Paris is a beautiful city. One of my friends has been to that place and she too loved it. What all did you do in Paris?
3. Gracefully exit the conversation
While exiting, offer something of value that’ll generate warm feelings.
Building Trust, Confidence and Emotional Contagion.
Pause before you answer back. It reflects power, composure and an ability to understand what people are saying. A 2-second pause is enough. 5 seconds max, not more.
Tone your voice correctly as it boosts your charm. Lower the intonation to sound more powerful.
Mirroring someone’s body language is an easy way to establish trust and rapport.
Emotional contagion is when your emotions spread to others. For leaders, this can have a ripple effect on the entire team.
Practice poise and be still. It’ll help you come out as more confident.
Cut out excessive head-bobbing, umm sounds and excessive non-verbal reassurances. This will make you more confident.
While dealing with more than 1 difficult person, use the divide and rule strategy. Convincing an individual is easier than convincing a group.
Handle toxic people with care. Their toxicity will invoke the same feelings within you as well. It’s essential to use the warmth feelings like gratitude compassion, empathy and goodwill to protect yourself from their toxicity.
Use the Kindness Charisma style to deal with them.
While delivering criticism, show warmth. Sugarcoat all positive things before giving criticism.
Be specific while you give criticism. Pinpoint specific areas of improvement than criticizing on general grounds.
Always criticize the mistake, not the person. The less personal you make the criticism, the more likely people cooperate. That’s why being specific is key.
For people, it’s easier to change a small thing than change their whole personality.
For example: Some people say I’m anti-social. That’s an attack on my personality. It’s very unlikely, I’m going to cooperate with their suggestions in the future.
Instead, I’m more likely to cooperate if they just point out that I speak a few words less in a conversation than I should. In that case, I’ll be more than happy to cooperate by speaking more.
Body language & non-verbal communication matters more while dealing with difficult situations.
Presenting with Charisma
Know your audience. Know their desires and wants.
Pain pictures and use metaphors or analogies to present your message. Keep your message short. Pictures invoke emotions.
While delivering your presentation, ensure you are physically comfortable. Any physical discomfort will eat away a part of your attention.
Charisma takes practice. It takes effort to make a speech look effortless and it’s worth taking the effort to rehearse your speech.
Own the stage. Stand with a wide stance. Give the impression that walking across the stage is as comfortable as walking across your living room. This is how you project POWER while speaking.
Try to make eye-contact with your audience. It’ll help you build a sense of intimacy.
Pausing and using silence is a hallmark of a great speech. Regularly pause depending on where the pause is needed in your speech.
Once you finish your speech, pause and then say ‘Thank You’. Soak in the appreciation which follows.
For mid-course corrections which happen when our mind goes blank, it’s important to give yourself self-warmth.
This will prevent you from getting into a fight-flight response where the brain shuts down superfluous functions like logic and thinking. Treat it as normal, give yourself self-warmth and your speech will be back on track.
Charisma in Crisis
People who respond to a crisis with bold decisive action will be perceived as charismatic.
In times of crisis, don’t freak out. Focus on what’s in your hands.
Remind people what they’re capable of achieving in times of crisis, have high expectations from them and tell them to focus on what they can control.
Living a Charismatic Life
As you become more charismatic, it’s worth launching an envy prevention campaign. You can do this by appreciating others for their role in your success or just appreciating them in general.
When your charisma is on full blast, people can often reveal more than they like. It creates a reality distortion field that allows people to reveal more.
Highly charismatic people are always under the spotlight. Great things are expected from great people. This can create pressure on their own performance.
It’s important to accept vulnerability and accept your human side because it only helps reduce the pressure you face under the spotlight.
People put you on a pedestal and see you as a superhuman when you’re highly charismatic. This may make you feel isolated and alienated.
A final warning: Charisma is a power tool. With great power comes great responsibility. So use it responsibly!
Hello! It’s Rana here. On this blog, I write about productivity and self-help. I share my personal experiences and offer solutions that you can use in your life 🙂